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The Kraken Files March 2018: Why Do You Want to Be So Big?

When people ask me about lifting weights, bodybuilding, and powerlifting, they seem pretty ok with the idea that I lift…..but invariably, without fail, a certain percentage of people who stop me on the street to ask if I’m a “bodybuilder” (or a female wrestler, idk man) will ask me this:

But……why do you want to be SO big??!?!?!?

So I figured this month I would wander back into taboo gender territory and reveal some of the reasons I have decided, as a woman, to attempt to achieve the approximate muscle mass of a male silverback gorilla.

And yes, I added “as a woman” because that is always implicit in the question…..people are REALLY asking why a WOMAN would want to be so big.

So let’s start being an asshole, shall we?

Because I can guarantee you that several of my reasons stem from hating people EXPECTING freaking ANYTHING from me. 😀


So this one is basically me at my recalcitrant, surly, contrary best. I know that for most people, asking a woman why she wants to be “so big” is also a judgment being passed, as they are usually squinting like they smell something bad, half leaning away like they might catch the “dyke” they assume I am radiating.

But……why do you want to be SO big??!?!?!?, stephanie tomlinson, totalperformancesport, fuckable, big, powerlifting, bodybuilding

American culture has come a ways with accepting women who lift, but it is with a caveat: AS LONG AS THEY ARE STILL HOT/ATTRACTIVE/FUCKABLE, and don’t stray too far from tightly-grasped and loved gender norms of what people see as “feminine and sexy”.

I know I crossed this line some time ago, in the masses’ eyes…..and trust me, I knew where the line was and stomped all over it and set off fireworks AS I crossed it. I do not like being counseled/backhand-complimented/”gently” advised, or rudely told that I am “too big” and that I have gone “too far”.

I have made a conscious choice to CHALLENGE gender norms, to show people that a woman can look however she wants to look, and BE OK WITH IT.

No, I am not confused. I am not a secret lesbian, and I do not wish I was a man. I am a fucking woman who likes to lift, and who wants to be right in the faces of those who are intimidated and repulsed by women who lift heavy/get big. I never in my life have wanted to fit in a “box” society wants to craft for me. I want to tear that box to shreds, piss on it, and set it on fire.


But……why do you want to be SO big??!?!?!?, stephanie tomlinson, totalperformancesport, fuckable, big, powerlifting, bodybuilding

To me, if I am engaging in any task, I need a goal, a direction to move in, and then when I meet that goal, a new one to work towards.

I do not like swimming in place.

I find that just mindlessly lifting without having goals, without analyzing what I am doing…..each rep, each exercise, each workout, that I lose focus and drive, and start half-assing it. I get bored, plus…..I get nowhere.

I approach lifting like a science experiment. I write shit out. I test out variations. I record my lifts and weights, and change things as I go to perfect what I am doing (or in my case, just to not totally suck eggs) as I go, based on my goals.

So I am always striving for MORE, and BETTER.

This all is going to invariably include size. I am always looking for ways to improve training so I can improve strength, or size, or both.

Also, I love the way the muscular human body looks, and I do not believe in slacking on one part because another is more valued. Many women will work lower body to death, then have a stringy and tiny upper body that looks like it has been taped on to the wrong set of legs and ass.

I can’t do that.

I want that X frame, that proportional and large size, each muscle developed as far as it will go.

Sure, I may look like He-Man, but at least I am not hamstringing my progress to achieve some random definition of female beauty which is pretty much impossible to attain regardless.


But……why do you want to be SO big??!?!?!?, stephanie tomlinson, totalperformancesport, fuckable, big, powerlifting, bodybuilding

Ok, this one is very individual.

Not everyone wants to lift, I get it.

But IF I lift, AND I want to gain muscle mass, AND I spend years working my ass off and achieve it, I feel a sense of accomplishment and control over my own body. Look at what someone can do with some effort and grit… can totally change his/her form.

When I see women on the pro bodybuilding and physique stage, I am always in awe of what it took to get there…..the dieting, both bulking and cutting, the countless hours in the gym, the cardio, getting up and going to lift even if you felt like shit, even if you had to miss social events…’s not just a casual hobby.

I see their bodies and know what it took to get there, and I am fascinated. I admire hard work, and a muscular body is the literal physical embodiment of that. It gives me confidence, increases my self-esteem, and then those feelings spread out beyond lifting, into my everyday life, into everything I do.


I want to be the size of a fucking Mack truck, and I am going to work my ass off to continue to get the stares, side-eyed glances, whispers, and comments behind my back. The more of that shit I get, the more I know I am achieving my goals.


By: Stephanie Tomlinson

© March 2018

2018-10-29T16:02:35-04:00February 27th, 2018|Categories: Featured, Women’s Fitness|Tags: , , , , , |2 Comments


  1. Jamal Nickson March 16, 2018 at 10:41 am - Reply

    Morning, how? How do I get and maintain a physical build such as a goddess yourself? I eat I work out but I don’t get cut shxt I barely get toned.

    • Murph March 22, 2018 at 4:35 pm - Reply

      You can read a few more of her articles. She covers this pretty well.

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