The Kraken Files: Ravings and Rantings from Stephanie Tomlinson

From Murph:

I am pretty psyched to have talked our newest columnist into writing for the site.

Steph is really strong, funny, and insightful. She’s also a wee bit retarded.

If you are easily offended, stop reading right now. 

However, if you are not a total pussy with no sense of humor, read on. You might learn something or at the least, have a few laughs.

And now, onto  The Kraken Files: Ravings and Rantings from Stephanie Tomlinson

Howdy y’all. I’m Steph.

I’m a 43 year old, heavily tattooed, prone to fits of nonsensical cussing, decrepit, neurotic, slightly-above average female (I swear) powerlifter.

I started lifting 15 years ago, and started powerlifting 4 years ago. I’ve done like…..5 or 6 meets. Fuck I don’t know.

I’ve done the Arnold 3 times, RUM once, and my first meet was a USPA meet, but since all have been RPS or XPC meets.

I’m somewhat notorious for talking about things most won’t, like my vagina eating whole villages, and how much I poop on any given day.

I fuck up A LOT, and tell somewhat amusing stories about said calamities.

So anyway, a few days ago Murph, in his infinite stupidity, asked me to contribute a monthly column to his website.

He couldn’t see my one-eyebrow half-raised in eager anticipation, but the first thing I responded with was……..”uncensored?!?”….to which he responded…..”just be yourself”.

Snort.

So anyway, I said yes, and here we are, you wondering what the fuck I am gonna say, and me brushing off my book of not-oft-used Victorian slurs and curse words.

But I digress…..so I figured in this first outing I’d more tell you what to expect from my columns rather than actually provide any training, diet, or powerlifting insight (like I am going to anyway, har-har).

So here goes……

What you CAN’T expect:
-a miraculous and instant cure to your abysmal non-moving deadlift…..hell mine hasn’t moved in two years, it’s like a dump truck full of fucking anvils parked in 30 feet of mud.
-a from-the-heavens diatribe leading you to the ability to cut 50lbs for a meet and yield you a coefficient that would make the powerlifting gods weep.
-the hidden location of the NoInjuryNomicon…..that elusive text that has the one perfect mobility move to cure all that ails you.
Basically, you get the picture.

There are no easy solutions, there is NO ONE out there who will light you the way with the Holy Grail of Hand Chalk to a WR and that often-sought-after, and way-too-important, Instagram fame, Facebook notoriety, and the fair genitals of the opposite (or same, I don’t discriminate) sex thrown directly at your face.

What you can expect:
-hijinks, tomfoolery, ballyhoo, nonstop cursing, metaphors for my vagina, awkward stories, inappropriate references, and massive fuckups, palteaus, tales of injury and woe, confessions of overtraining, anxiety, neurosis in training, complaining, general belly-aching, and me likely calling myself fat and likening myself to all sorts of weighty and inelegant beasts.

You’ll likely also get pictures of my dogs, my butt, perhaps me even training on occasion.

By the way, this is Pants. Pants is a moron.

So why is anything I say worth reading???
Because I am you.
I am all of you…..male and female……with higher totals than mine, with lower totals than mine……with NO total……we are all somewhere on the continuum of training and competition, and we all have as many similarities as we do differences.

So often in powerlifting, bodybuilding, strongman, and related strength sports everyone is sooooooo SERIOUS.

Training logs, analyzing lifts, analyzing body mechanics, percentages, weird diets, IIFYM, cutting, bulking……it’s all done with this intense deliberation.

Few of us can joke, look at our stories and training evolution with humor.

Failures are rarely revealed…..fears are hardly ever addressed. Like me…..I am TERRIFIED every time I squat.

Just fucking hate it.

I love squatting, I hate to squat. I’m a fruitcake.

But I do it.

And as scared as I still am, I have ways I have learned to cope.
So what I have to offer is my experience.

Some things won’t make sense to you.

Some things that worked for me won’t work for you.

Some of the pitfalls I plead with you to avoid you will dive into anyway, because we are stubborn.

We are nuts.

Look what we do……we put our bodies under stresses they are NOT meant to handle……. I don’t care what any East German alpha gorilla tells you.

But even though we are nuts, and most people can’t understand what we do, or why, WE know.

Sometimes, on some days, we do better than we ever imagined that we could. We move a weight we did not think we could. We spend a few seconds being as close to a superhero as any of us will get.
And it’s pretty fucking sweet.
So although all I did was ramble and introduce you to what sorts of things you might get from me…..next month I’ll actually provide some content.

Sneak peeks include:

10 Things They Never Told You When You Started Powerlifting

Hey Wench, You Need Upper Body Mass

and of course some discussions about things that helped me on my lifts, as well as errors I have made over time (this is a lot of columns, crikey).
So let’s hang out and shoot the shit, shall we?

See you next month, motherfuckers. 😀

by

Stephanie Tomlinon